updates

i.am.still.alive.and.kicking. =)

soulmates~

Salam.

I'm sure many knows my 'atok' passed away on the 27th of December, 2009. And while we are all still sad, her husband; my 'tok ayah' follows after 20 days. And thus my post title. She left on the 10th of Muharam (lucky her) while he went on the 30th of Muharam.

I am at the moment, pretty much lost. Of what to do, where to go, how to move on. There's this many feelings bottled up inside, but inside all that; I know I feel grateful.

I am blessed for Allah has chosen 'atok' and 'tok ayah' to meet, to raise a family of where I am born into. Where I learned many things while growing up with the guidance of my grandparents. They loved us, I am very sure. Perfectly sure, in fact. I think I turned out alright. Alhamdulillah.

I took care of 'tok ayah' for two weeks, and I am grateful for the opportunity. Thank you, Allah.

I have no idea of how the roads will look like in the future. I hope it will not get even bumpier. But if it ever does, I know I can handle them. Allah takkan menguji hambaNya yang tidak mampu. Betul?

Untuk 'tok ayah', I apologize from the bottom of my heart for not being perfect when taking care of you. I just couldn't.
Yes, I know there's no use apologizing now, after he went; I just wanted to relieve of this feeling.
I am sorry for always feeding you the medicine you so much loathe. Yesterday, I tried them. One is so tasteless I was sad for you, while another was so 'leafy' I am angry at myself.
I am sorry for couldn't help but going in and out of your room few times just to clean and get rid of your spits and kahak.
I am sorry for sometimes I couldn't stand so near to you for too long, for fear I might cry or cause you discomfort.
But thank you Allah, for this rare opportunity.

Al-fatihah.
Ibrahim bin Ahmad. May his soul rest in peace.

So this is life .:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::.

Hey. Salam.

I am already back in Malaysia. It has been a week now. My flight was alright, I reckon. Flying alone is no longer new to me. But having to transit to Sydney was an experience I don't feel like having over again. With two bags weighing approximately 31 kgs, plus a backpack and a laptop.. definitely a NO-NO for me. Dah la buat-buat pandai je naik train sume.. haha.. ok la tue~

Anyway, I am officially a pengganggur now. Since the passing of my late grandmother, I am (self-claimed) the woman of the house. LOL!
I wake up early, prepare breakfast and straight away get ready for lunch. Mandi ptg2 sikit, basuh baju sekali.. basuh tangan ok.. sbb washing machine rosak. Kenapa la rosak time-time tak sesuai ni? Haih~
Bising2 bile tgk cousin sendiri slow motion gile nak bersiap gi sekolah agama. Haha.. ape la nak jadi syameer asrie oiii.. patut atok selalu bising dulu..

Hmm.. well, I am trying to learn that life goes on, though some people are no longer with me any longer. But it is hard, isn't it? Sometimes I feel that this is all a bad dream and I just want to wake up from it. Tapi obviously la tak berjaya..
I seldom imagine atok will come out from her room and start doing her chores as she had been doing all the while she has been in Skudai. I imagine she comes out of the kitchen, or pass by the living room to send the rubbish out, or just sit on the sofa while my two cousins come home from school and then get ready for the next sekolah.

But I think I am way better now. I no longer cry when I think of her. I can look at her picture with a smile on my face. And I like to think that she had a full life, and that she already had her fair share of the ups and downs of life.

Her passing was the first biggest lost I had ever experience in life. Until then, I had no idea what it feels like to lose a loved one. So now I know.. It hurts. It hurts like hell (for lack of better phrase).

I wasn't ready. But I guess, I will never be ready. But times heal everything, right?

Letter from Iwo Jima (I mean, Adelaide)

Atok Love,

Assalamualaikum.

Atok, how are you? Are you in heaven? Did Jibril had mercy on you?
I once saw a friend writing this kind of letter in her blog, and I wanted to do the same. But I wasn't actually hoping for it. But I reckon this is the only way to let you know how I feel, now that you can no longer hear me. There's this big hole inside my chest. I want it out!

Did I hugged you the last time we met? Did we talked much when I was in Skudai?

Are you angry now that I cried? Angry that I sobbed?

Atok. Terima kasih. You were the first person who held me when I was born. Who spoon fed me just to make a cousin eat his lunch. Who raised me, bathe me, wake me for school. Who looked after me from the day I was born until I am at the age you left me.

Now, there will be no one who will still call me like you do.
"Biasa la, Za. Sakit orang tua", you would always say when I ask how you were.
And you would ask Mak, how I was doing because I was always in Senai.

I bought you a souvenir. I would have thought you would like it, but I guess I will never know. I wanted to buy a recipe book, to make kuih, so I can make you tea. But I guess that will never happen either.

WHY WASN'T THERE A SIGN?

Atok, I miss you already. I hope you are in heaven. I want to believe you are in heaven. I don't think I told you lately that I love you. But I do. I sincerely do. Atok, jaga diri. I hope Munkar Nakir will ask their questions nicely to you.

I love you, atok.

Your heartbroken cucu,
EEZA.

Al-fatihah.
Zabidah Abdullah. May her soul rest in peace

Hey Little Miss Perfect!

Know this. You are not little, neither you are perfect.
Sheesh!!

Yesterday's session was enlightening. Terima kasih, sahabat. Else sampai bila2, I wouldn't know who my friends really are.

Why go talk behind my back about things that might be or might be not true about me, then in front of me tak abes2 menggedik nak cium2, peluk2, nk cubit2 pipi? Astaghfirullah... Bengang gak mase dengar.. Ajak teman pegi sana, sini.. Ajak buat ini, itu sama2.. Tapi rupenye ade phd.

Telling people that I work slow is like saying the earth has seventeen moon. Eh Shaheeza, perasan.. entah2 awk mmg actually work slow. But tell it to me la.. Konon friends' forever. Aduhai.. sakitnye hati. Then cakap I like to do things my own way. Laaa.. why didn't you take charge? Or say it to me.. Cakap belakang2 kenape?

Yang lelaki pun same, nasib baik yang ni mmg bukan member aku.. So, I'm a bit fine with it.
But hey, come on la.. jerks and bitches make perfect couples/crowds.. LOL!

Entah la, I have no idea why I am writing this in a blog...

Does it make me feel better?
A little

Does I want the person to read this?
I don't care

It's not like I want to be friends with her anymore. Her victims pun ramai je ni.. I can easily be friends with them. Buat mukadimah, "Haih.. kenape cakap mcm tu pasal aku ni?". Mesti org lain curious nak tahu. Entah2 lepas tu, diorang pun bukak cerite. *gelak evil*

Is this right the way to solve this?
No. A definite no. But nak solvekan pun ke?

Ok. Dah penat taip. Banyak lagi I heard stories from the other victims. Who to my surprise, are friends that showed her too much kindness. Tak patut dapat those kind of treatment.. ish ish ish..

Takpe je. I have friends that I know that I will look for when I am back in Malaysia, or even come for a holiday in Adelaide (insyaAllah). No need to buat2 baik ngan aku that time. Bolayan!

Daa~~~
P.E.A.C.E.O.U.T

I definitely won't miss that...

Hey. Salam.

It has been a while. I just got back from my work interview with Petronas in Sydney last Friday. Ok la kot.. tp silap gak la.. Berbual ngan assessor.. That's a big NO NO, people.. Only answer questions that they give, and ask intelligent questions. For further info, please contact Faris for a glimpse on a book he bought recently, entitled, "Don't Send Your CV" (or something along that line.. I don't exactly remember the real title.. huhu).

Anyway, actually baru blk keje tadi.. Then kena jumpe org reception Village sbb kena charge AUD852 untuk ganti karpet yg kena 'iron burn'. Ade la dalam 15 cm length, 7cm width.. Saiz iron yg normal la kire.. Bayangkan kena charge smpi mcm tu sekali.. Bak kate diorang, sbb itu untuk ganti the WHOLE carpet.. Tak ley patch patch.. Nanti owner tak terima. Oh btw, Zarep.. if u are reading this, u were NEVER charge for your carpet burn last time. Xde record langsung. Die bukak akaun hang tadi.. So, hang kena charge 300 dolar tu, last time.. that's between you and them. For what, i dunno. X dapat nak gune name hang tadi.. sheeesh~

Anyone with ideas what to do? Mane la nak cari that kind of money in one week?

Anyway, dulu ade kate nak buat post ttg the things that I will definitely miss after leaving Adelaide.. I still haven't come out with a proper list yet.
But for sure,

I DEFINITELY WILL NOT MISS THE UNIVERSITY OF ADELAIDE, VILLAGE.

Makan duit org gile weyh..

near-death experience

Hey. Salam.

Disclaimer:
Please don't get fooled by the title. It's really not that bad. It's just how the guys decided to describe my hiking this morning.

1:
Since it will only be two more months I will be here, in Adelaide before heading home for good; I had an oath to myself, to saying 'yes' to doing things that I have never done before in Adelaide.
Macam cerite 'yes man' gitu.. ;p
Like recently, went to Victoria Square for the Global Green Challenge (ok.. tak sure name benda tu.. tp alaa... yg pasal kereta2 solar tu). I was never interested to go, but I went this time.. and I reckon it was alright. The sun was blaring. And the students from Taiko University, Japan got first place. And the Malaysian team arrived, safe and sound the following two days, which was quite impressive considering there was one car that got into an accident and bukan diorang. Cayalah!
Also, I said yes to hiking.

2:
Nazeerul suggested us to go hiking since before the exam finishes.
So after agreeing to go... five of us decided to leave this morning. We started from the Waterfall Gully and hiked almost 3.9kms up towards the Mount Lofty Summit and back down another 3.9kms. If my Maths is still in tact, that would mean we walked up the hill about 7.8kms and that took us about 2.5 hours, which was not too bad because that was the estimated time after all. So, our velocity was.. well.. you divide the distance with the time... hahaha.. ok.. LAME!!!

So, this is the Waterfall Gully

Clearly, Munir is the fittest of us all.

3:
Munir had reminded us a few times that we are following the hardest track and we should be prepared for them. And being the fighter I always am, I told him that I am a bit sad that he doubted me. So, I wasn't going to lose this challenge. If I do.. what does that make me?

Ok fine... A WOMAN. But come on la.. some woman are way way way fitter than some guys.. kan? =)

Alright, another 2.9 km to go..

Aik, masih 2.9km?

4:
"I think I might just stop here, you guys go ahead. Come back and claim me soon, ok?"
These were the words that I kept rehearsing inside my head after we hiked almost 2/3 up the hill.

Honestly, the track was HARD.. really HARD. I could almost swear that at one time, for about several hundred meters, the inclination was almost 45 degrees.
Ok fine.. that's exaggerating.. but it was REALLY, REALLY STEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPP.... I have no idea why I agreed to go at all.
The guys kept asking if I was doing alright since (according to them) I have already turned WHITE. White, I tell you. Snow White pun kalah, I would bet.. lol!
I can seriously hear my heart thumping in my ears. Even my brain had gone blank a few times.
We stopped.. wait, I STOPPED almost 3 to four more times before we reached the top.

But the guys did say that we are almost there each time we stopped. And there was one sign saying that there is another 800 meters to go and then another one stating that there is another 650 meters to reach the summit (but honestly, those last 800 meters were TORTURE).

Nearly there, but NOT THERE YET!!!
(ni, Azreen yg amekkan gmbr.. sbb dah nak collapse dah)

After each time then, I got up.. walk some more hundred meters. Stop again.. and walk again. Sampai la jumpe tempat bersihkan debu dari kasut. God, finally!

5:
SUBHANALLAH.. the view was surreal.. eh wait.. amazing.. (karang Sheldon Cooper betulkan my grammar plak.. haha)
I was so glad.. very glad that I pushed myself to still drag my feet in that remaining one third of the way. Oh just for the record, that was my first time going to Mount Lofty. And it was special since I followed the path that took the most effort to reach there.. So I can savor the moment, the experience. Kalau naik charter bus atau kereta, I might not be as thankful and appreciative..
(tapi, xde gmbr nak tunjuk.. sbb dan dan, bateri kamera mati plak waktu tu.. *down*)

Acknowledgment:
Thank you Munir, Nazeerul, Azreen and Bear2 for pushing me.. for understanding my limit.. and waited patiently before I could stand up on my own two feet and walk again. I am really sorry I slowed you guys down.. A LOT.
You guys ROCK!!

Daa~~~
P.E.A.C.E.O.U.T

it's still very far.. but yet so near~

Hey. Salam.

Sashiburi. Lame tak update blog sendiri. October has been a crazy month. Submitted my Honours report on the 16th, and presented it on the 23rd. Though muke masih penuh parut chicken pox, tp bole la.. huhu...... bak kate bos, mcm jerawat je tu.. lol!

but I was a bit terkilan dengan report tu. My supervisor was away to the States for two weeks before the report submission, so there was no one who checked the thing before it was submitted. And guess what? I realized I made a lot of typo and included wrong units. Conclusion pun x strong sgt. Haiyaaa.. x tahu la kan? wallahu'alam... dh hntr dah pun.. that is my one year work after all. I understand what I did; but it's not about that anymore.. it's just a matter of whether the person who marks the report understands what it is I wanted to convey. =/

Anyway, I had my last class on the 29th.. Last class ever for my first degree.. Alhamdulillah..
Finished my last assignment yesterday. Will have two final exams on the 11th and 13th this month. Then, bole start menghitung hari (actually mencuak-cuakkan diri menanti) for my final result that is scheduled to be put up on the 9th of December.

Subhanallah.. how time flies. I still remember when I first set foot here. I already thought summer in February was so cold. I still remember the kakak who brought me around the city to buy the essentials. She brought me and Adrienne to Harbourtown and Glenelg. The first time I saw my classmates, the Aussies. I honestly at the time realize how small we Malaysians are.
Memories.. I reckon that is what will stay with me. From the year 2006 up until today. A lot of them. The people that come and go. Now, I am one that will go.

Alamak!

o'oh.. i'm getting emotional.. well, I would think this is the right time to take my leave. Pardon me, ey?
Have fun and be close to one another while you still can. =)

Daa~~~
P.E.A.C.E.O.U.T

yesterday, i was sulking...

but today, Alhamdulillah.. i feel a lot better. I don't look at myself in the mirror with shock and pity anymore. It's just what it means by being down with the sickness.

But the most important reason why I feel totally relieved today is because I can start eating again. Hahaha.. you know how food keeps me going.. kahkahkah..
Before this, sangatlah susah nak telan food. Not just food, air pun also.. I have no idea what is the relationship between chicken pox and the narrowing of my tekak.. but somehow, they are.. related. Tp today.. better.. Alhamdulillah.. =)

Oh, and those few people yg already saw me in this condition, I appreciate the effort not to make fun of me or say something funny about chicken pox. Coz in this condition, I might not be as forgiving you see... And to those who didn't look at me with a total expression of shock, gile cool korg.. Thank you! =)
The coolest one was Bear.. like seriously. He just got home one day and I told him,
"Bear2.. rumah korg dah takde beras la" (sbb waktu tu baru ingat nak masak bubur.. haha.. kasihan.. makanan org sakit.. tough luck!).
Tp die buat tak endah je.. letak beg kat bilik, then turun blk ke dapur dan masak dinner.. How cool is that? huhuhu..

But my upmost appreciation kat adek sorg ni.. Adam.. *Eddie yg panggil die name nie*
He never forgets to ask if I needed anything from the city, since (obviously) I cannot get them myself. So, the first night; he came home with a whole lot of lauk-pauk from SB's. He was the first actually to see how terrible this chicken pox really is. (name untuk adult, shingles.. tp x kesah la.. chicken chop.. oopss.. i mean, pox.. chicken pox sounds awesome as well..)
He managed to keep a straight face. And looked at me while talking to me.
The following day, I asked if he could find for me coconut drink (my mum told me to drink it.. being the always obedient daughter, of course I'll follow that advice) and porridge. So, that night he came back victorious of finding both... wah wah wah.. mantap gile skill.. =)

But to those who couldn't managed to keep their cool during an encounter with me, no problem. Be assured, no offense was taken.. =)

Ok la.. I have to take my leave. The world awaits me.. hahaha.. my world that is.. =)

Daa~~~
P.E.A.C.E.O.U.T

i want someone...

who would carefully lay hot towel on my forehead to help the fever, and a hand that caresses my hair. i surely hope that someone could come and cook for me, stay with me, talk with me. this sickness is not entirely painful, it's the silence that i hear at the end of the tunnel is what scares me the most.
time kasih housemate, Umi kerana call pagi tadi and ask if there is anything you can do to help. Nay.. it's fine.. it would really be selfish of me to ask of you..

these chicken "poxes" sure can't appear at any other odd places now, can it? sakit gile tekak ok? and gusi jugak.. bibir.. cuping telinga.. astaghfirullah.. adoi la hai~

la tahzan, shaheeza.. sakit tu kan kifarah dosa.. tp susah gak nak tahan diri dr tak menangis.. this drowsy medicine sure is a liar. x drowsy pun.. and tak hilang pun gatal nye.. i've already eaten more than recommended. masih xde effect. hmm..
tp xpe kot.. ubat tu kan usaha kita? yg memberi penyakit dan menarik blk penyakit tu, kan Allah je? serious sakit.. ='(

and i think i look horrible, like ridiculously ugly.. how come this sickness cannot catch me at a better time? tgl minggu ni je nak finalize honours.. next week dah nak kena hntr pade Peter untuk semak.. astaghfirullah.. mampu ke nie?
mata pun dah bergenang-genang air nie.. pening..